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Thursday, April 5th, 2012 10:24 am
This was inspired last year when A3 were on tour and Matt tweeted "All my dudes be sending me nudes." There were other tweets that night about the subject but I've forgotten those since I didn't copy them. heh. Anyway, so I started writing a story about it, which took a weird dramatic/angsty turn in the middle that just didn't fit with the humorous beginning, so I scrapped that and went back to thinking I'm somewhat amusing. This was jossed pretty hard when Bob came back to Twitter and I lost interest.

Out of all the WIPs and ficletty things in my files, this is the only one that's more or less finished.

All My Dudes Be Sending Me Nudes...Except One
Matt Skiba/Bob Bryar
Not Rated
~1100 words




Bob has two Twitter accounts. He's got one with his name on it that he locked down and deleted during the lawsuit, and he's got a supersecret one that none of the fans know about that he uses to follow Matt, Brian, Worm, Jordan and a few other friends.

He cracks up when he reads Matt's tweet about how all his weirdo friends are sending him pictures of their dicks. He's stopped at a light on his way to Brian's so he doesn't have time to send Matt a text about how Bob is totally laughing at him right now. He decides he'll do it later, and continues on to Brian's house, forgetting about it until after dinner when Brian goes to take a phone call and Matt texts Bob directly.

I've seen every guy's dick tonight but yours. What's that about?

Oh IDK a sense of propriety? class? lack of being a dumbass?

Fuck propriety! let me see your dick.

You have seen my dick

That's why I want to see it again. We still have another week on tour. Send me nudes.

It's like you've forgotten who you're even talking to.

PLEASE BOB I NEED TO SEE YOUR PENIS

ffs stop whining and use your memory

I'll send you pix of mine

I know. I'm still not sending you pictures of my dick. Sorry.

Fuck. I cant believe I just apologized for that

awww Bob. That means I'm wearing you down, right? Send me pix now. Get it good and hard first.

!!!!!!!!!

Does that mean you're working on it?

NO

D: OK, how about a picture of your ass?

How am I supposed to...no. never mind. You’re insane.

Not insane just horny and missing you

Bob sighs because he misses Matt too, but still, he's got limits. Brian comes back into the room with a couple of Cokes and Bob gets a brilliantly evil idea.

Brian sets the glasses down on the coffee table and sinks down onto the other end of the couch. He notices Bob staring at him and says, "What?"

"Just a sec," Bob says, quickly texts Matt: ok you're wearing me down. give me just a minute. Then he turns to Brian with a hopeful smile and asks, "Will you do me a favor?"

Brian takes a sip of his Coke and picks up the remote to unpause the movie. He shoots Bob a look out the corner of his eye as he says in a voice heavily laden with suspicion, "Maybe. Depends on what it is."

"I need to take a picture of your dick with my phone and send it to Matt," Bob says and pats Brian on the back when he chokes on his drink.

"What the fuck kind of kinky shit is that?" Brian raises his eyebrows and then shakes his head. "No, are you...no."

"Come on, he won't know it's you, right? It's just your dick, not your face or your whole body or whatever."

"Oh, no, huh uh, you don't get to be all 'whatever' about asking me to star in your amateur porno."

"It's nothing kinky just hilarious, I swear. In return, I'll... I'll let you borrow my motorcycle." Brian looks tempted so Bob ups the ante. "For an entire weekend."

"I can go anywhere I want?"

"Anywhere. Two whole days."

Brian thinks about it for a moment and then nods. "Fine. He's not going to know it's me, right?"

"No identifying features, just cock."

"Some might think that is an identifying feature."

"Tell it to someone who hasn't seen yours." When Brian sputters and looks offended, Bob rolls his eyes. "Oh for fuck's sake, there's nothing wrong with your dick. I just meant there's nothing weird about it. That's a good thing, right?"

Brian, still frowning in disgruntlement, finally nods and mutters, "I guess. Faint fucking praise, though."


Refusing to let Bob be anywhere near, Brian goes to his bedroom with Bob's phone and doesn't come out for nearly ten minutes. When he returns to the living room, he hands Bob his phone with a smile and says, "I deleted the picture and the text I sent, but not Matt's reply."

Bob ignores Brian as he starts planning his trip on Bob's bike--"maybe take Mulholland Highway up through Malibu and stop off at the Rock Store..."--and opens Matt's reply. His mouth drops open when he reads it.

holy fucking balls. is Brian single? who knew a little dude could have such an amazing dick???

Bob scowls because he's seen Brian's dick and it's not that amazing. He starts to wonder if Matt actually meant any of the compliments he's given Bob-- No. Bob is not going to go there or he will make himself crazy.

"So..is it as hilarious as you thought it would be?" Brian had apparently dragged himself out of his daydreams while Bob was busy being taken aback that Matt was attracted to Brian all of a sudden, and now he's watching Bob all curious and amused.

"Uh..." Bob shuts his mouth and reads the next text coming in from Matt.

Seriously, Bob. Send me more pictures of Brian. That oughta keep me busy for the rest of the tour.

Bob's fingers are moving over the keys before he's even decided what he's going to say. It ends up being a very simple: what the fuck?

A few seconds later, Bob's phone starts playing Shut Up and Drive, which is Matt's ringtone (and a private joke that should have died a long time ago). He glances at Brian before he answers, "Hey."

Matt is laughing so loud Brian can apparently hear it from the other side of the couch and he starts snickering too. Bob is too confused to be pissed off and finally just says "What?" to both of them at the same time.

"Bob, did you really think I was going to send a picture of my dick to anybody? Are you fucking insane?" He clicks something on his phone and hands it over to Bob. "That's what I actually sent him."

Bob looks down and there's no picture, just words: "Your boyfriend is the world's biggest dork. Let's fuck with him. Pretend I sent you pictures of my dick."

"I hate you. Both." Bob shakes his head. "So much hate."

This just makes both Brian and Matt laugh harder. Bob needs to make some new--better--friends.
Thursday, April 5th, 2012 05:02 pm (UTC)
Aww, that was funny and amusing! Poor Bob.
Monday, April 9th, 2012 07:00 pm (UTC)
A++ trolling all round! :D Well, except for Bob. I love his reaction of how Brian's dick isn't that amazing, wtf. Awesome.